Super Chicken!


Okay, so we all have heard the existential joke– Why did the chicken cross the road? And yes it is an existential question.

But what if the question were altered?

What if the question became: Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? What might the answer be then? Maybe it is an unambitious chicken. Although in my limited experience with the birds they are dumb as dirt and I don’t see ambition as an aspect in the personality profile of most chickens. However, when I was growing up there was a local radio station that used to broadcast a fifteen minute radio program called “Super Chicken”. Super Chicken was very ambitious and he rescued people. That’s a pretty amazing chicken that can rescue people. I saw a promo advertisement once for Super Chicken and he looked like Superman complete with a red cape and a massive chest. Super Chicken looked like he could jump tall buildings in a single bound.

Which leads me to a recent discovery at the grocery store. I am a vegetarian. I cannot eat anything with a brain or nervous system. But I live with one slathering carnivore and two rather polite meat eaters who demand the flesh of once living creatures who may have had intelligent thought. And yes chickens count because you never know if maybe the chicken world had their own Einstein. Like the one that may have considered the existential question I started this post with. So give all chickens some credit for the possibility of intelligent thought.

Anyway, I was at the grocery store and saw the chicken breasts.

Golly whiz bang Batman– what happened to the chicken population? Those were some pretty busty birds. Dolly Parton would have been envious. I mean last time I seriously considered the size of a chicken breast– and no I am not some Gonzo fetishist with a thing for chicken love– they were much smaller.

These breasts…

Well, triple D? E? F? G? I don’t know. But they made the chicken breasts of the past look like Barbie’s little sister Skipper compared to Barbie.

Imagine if all the women of the world suddenly had breasts that had grown to the same ratio from past to present like the chicken’s breasts.



Don’t go there.

Just don’t.

But still. If the breasts get too big…. Well, there are problems with back and neck pain and lugging them around becomes an issue. Poor chickens. Imagine if almost half of your weight were on your chest, you probably wouldn’t be able to walk. You’d fall over.

Most of the chickens that are raised in the US (the world’s largest poultry producer) are raised by poultry farmers who have contracts with one of the four big meat and poultry processing companies. The chickens mature excessively quickly and grow to be something like a 5 pound bird in a record 2 months. They are not allowed to roam around and are raised in a close space and fed feed with hormones and antibiotics so that they grow fast and and don’t get sick. But even if they wanted to with those massive breasts they couldn’t go out and strut chicken stuff.

But wait. I just figured it out. The engineers at Tyson or Perdue or Conagra or Cargill, they are trying to create Super Chicken because they know that we have made a mess of our environment and we need a hero. A chicken hero with a massive chest and a red cape. So far they have the massive chest down.

Too bad the poor chicken cannot cross the road because he falls over due to his massive breasts. Do you think he thinks existential thoughts and wonders what an alternate reality might be? Like one on the other side of the road.