I am having a morning of swirling, colliding thoughts…
These moments happen. This too shall pass. I just need a moment to regroup. Examined life and all that. Working on serenity to get through the day. So throwing some of this out there before I get rolling. Tomorrow I’ll post poetry. Or fiction.
Don’t be tinfoil… when things get hard, don’t crumple. Roll up your sleeves and engage twice as hard, five times as hard, ten times… full on. Go beyond. Learn more than expected. I am having a hard time getting a version SQL Server to upload a sample database as described in the Murach book and I spent way too much time on the script to create/alter the database and hence had a brain fart and could not remember basic info about databases and blew a quiz. Frustrating? You betcha, but just have to suck it up and be steel. Not fucking tin foil. I will get through and come out knowing more. Way more.
Dieting. What a grand suck of life energy. Ugh. For me it is always in the background. Weighing, measuring, journaling my food, exercising will, sculpting habits. I do this to maintain my weight these days, not lose weight. If you don’t have to do this on a regular basis, you don’t know what a drain it is. This is for me my version of managing a chronic illness. This is constantly a layer below anything else I have to do. Does this make me angry? Quite often. But it is just what I have to do like brushing my teeth, showering, combing my hair, etc. Still pisses me off. This requires warrior attitude too. Whose gonna win?
Why do people have to be so cruel? I am watching my daughter in middle school. Nuff said. If you were a girl in middle school once upon a time, you know what I mean. I am also watching the science fiction community try to be accepting of diversity and feminism and I am really turned off by what appears to me to be close-mindedness masquerading as progressive. (Nope, I am not in any of the puppy camps.) Also, we have an election campaign gearing up.
I am pretty egalitarian and as long as you are not hurting other people– go you! Be you! Why can’t there be more kindness? Why is it so threatening for people to have other views? challenging ideas? All of us have blind spots, the discussion helps to widen things if we allow ideas other than our own. Maybe better solutions will come about? It isn’t kindness to listen, it is courtesy. Respect. I recently took a quiz aimed at two things: 1. my political knowledge of facts; and 2. my level of political bias. I was a bit dismayed to see that my political knowledge was not as great as I had thought, but I was more happy to see I don’t have a high level of bias. I can learn facts and evaluate them clearly.
Middle school girls don’t have the life experience to balance things, handle awkward social moments gracefully, and to know that kindness is a great thing. All this comes with time. I have been coaching my daughter to not let her estimation of herself be de-valued by others; to be the person she would want to be friends with; and to be kind but set limits. I don’t know what to make of the science fiction community over the last handful of years. Science fiction was once described as the genre of ideas. Are some ideas to be favored over others? I just hope with the upcoming political election, the US won’t become as polarized along party lines as it has at times in the past. I don’t like the angry negative stuff that people like Trump are saying.
I don’t have control over many things. Or people. I just hope I can recognize the things I do not have control over, the strength and courage to take on what I can work on and need to, and the wisdom to know the difference. And that I can do this with some kindness.