The Fox in Colorado

When I was in Colorado, I lived near a field. Looking out my back windows, I could see the Rocky Mountains. I watched a herd of elk move through the field. Once, I saw a mountain lion cross the grass. Near the end of the time I was in Colorado I started to catch glimpses of another creature. The fox in the summer blended with the tall grass and moved stealthily. While in winter, the fox was invisible.

The elk, the deer, the eagle that would drop rabbits on the roof, the magpies, the mountain lion, or the coyotes that ranged up and down the valley never piqued my interest as much as the fox. Sometimes, the fox would play a game of peek-a-boo with me as I walked down the road. I began watching for the fox when I went to my car, came home from work, or went for a walk. I would see him in snatches, flicks of a tail, or ears and a nose hiding in the grass.


Because I watched closely, I learned the fox had a family. As a result of learning this, I did research on foxes. They often mate for life and where you find one, there is frequently a second one. My fox had a vixen and pups. Further, the fox family was always there, hunting the rodents in the field, and moving among the snow and grass, but largely invisible.

I found myself relating to the foxes. Researching deeper on totem animals and I found that the fox were associated with invisibility. Maybe I was just silly, I began to be distressed about my seeing the peeking foxes and my relating to them like a spirit animal. I did not want to be unseen. I did not want to be invisible. Invisibility is not desirable when you want to be a published author or an artist, when you want to be loved, or when you want to do great things.

The Fox in Michigan

That was three years ago. I am in Michigan now. I have gone through much. It has made me question who I am, my beliefs, my worth, what I expect from others, what I expect from myself, whether I have anything to say or do that is worth saying or doing, what I enjoy, what I want the meaning of my life to be, and more. I saw a fox in my yard the other day. It stood and looked at me before trotting off.

The fox is a koan.